Yesterday a co-worker of mine was out for the second or third day in a row. Somebody asked what was going on with him and someone else responded that he tends to get sick when it starts to get hot. I wasn’t in the conversation, so I wasn’t really paying attention at the time, but for whatever reason it just came back to me and this time the significance of what was said hit me. The person that responded and the sick guy have worked together long enough that she knows his seasonal trends. It’s pretty easy to pick up on a person’s daily habits over the course of a few weeks, but it takes years to get someone’s seasonal habits.

This just got me to thinking about all the different types of relationships that are out there. Of course there are the obvious ones – friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships – but we don’t very often talk about acquaintanceships. There are people that we meet casually, people that we know, but don’t really know. We call them acquaintances. Over time, even if you don’t have frequent conversations with a person, you begin to know things about them because of your proximity. Sometimes you may know things about an acquaintance that even their closest friends and families don’t know and they may know things about you.

What do you call it when an acquaintanceship ages and becomes something more stable? Lovers become spouses, friends become good/best friends, what do acquaintances become? I have a large amount of acquaintances, some who I’ve known for many years. When I see them, we exchange warm greetings and we are genuinely happy to see each other. I care about their well-being and they care about mine – if we could do a little something to help each other out, we would. At this point, its seems acquaintanceship has grown to be very similar to friendship, but I don’t even know the names of some of these long-time acquaintances, much less what they do for a living, what they do for fun, who they spend time with, who they’re related to, etc. How can I call someone a friend when I don’t even know the basics about them? Maybe we need a new word to describe these relationships, or maybe friendship doesn’t necessarily have to do with knowing the basics. Just a thought . . .

About a week ago I saw a lady who is well-known enough around the Philly scene to be classified as a local celebrity. One of the things she is known for is her beauty. If you mention her name around a group of men who know of her, many of them will get a far-off, glazed look in their eyes. She is a very pretty lady and she has a very uncommon look which makes her stand out. When I saw her last week, the clothes she was wearing revealed a blemish that I had never noticed before. At the time I thought something similar to “Eww! That’s weird looking!”

That came back to mind today and I realized, that guy who was with her probably does not think that! I still think it was nasty looking, but it is a beautiful thing that she found someone who doesn’t. (Assuming things are right in their relationship) she found someone who sees her beauty despite the imperfections and the flaws that may at times hide, distort or alter it. Someone I know once said “Everyone has issues, you just have to find someone whose issues you can deal with.” Those are some of the truest words ever spoken.

I know what it’s like to be on both sides of that. I know how it feels to be a flawed person and be accepted despite that. It’s one thing to care about someone, but there’s nothing like that moment when you realize “Damn, she saw that and she still likes me?” It’s ironic, sometimes having someone accept your imperfections can make you want to fix them more than getting criticized for them. You find yourself wanting to be more patient, kinder, more organized, healthier, etc.

I know how it feels to have someone thank you for tolerating their faults and to find that gratitude to be absolutely silly. “Yes, I see your flaws, but why are you thanking me when you are perfect?” She never seems to understand. It’s not even that flaws make a person more human or more approachable. It’s that they are a part of the person. You accept the good, you accept the bad and it all becomes something wonderful.

I guess beauty must really be in the eye of the beholder.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone screwed up your account and you had to call customer service and tell them off? What about someone asking you to do something above and/or beyond your responsibility and you had to tell them to check your job description? Before you told off the customer service rep or let that person know exactly what your job is, id you consider the consequences?

I think I might have said this in previous entries, and I will in future ones – one of the two best pieces of advice I ever got was ‘choose your battles.’ Don’t waste time and energy fighting battles you don’t have the chance to win or that aren’t worth the cost it takes to win. After a few recent observations, I have some more to add to that. When you chose the wrong battles, you can end up waging war against innocents or sometimes even yourself.

A woman walked into my office yesterday and was upset because a letter she had requested was not completed to her satisfaction. The letter she did receive contained the information we normally give out – for what she wanted, she was actually in the wrong place. Still, someone wanted to make her life easier and he stepped up, prepared to bend the rules a bit to help her. When he tried to talk to her to get more information on the situation, she responded rudely and snatched a sheet of paper from his hand. He changed his mind about helping her and told her she needed to call the person that originally gave her the letter she wasn’t happy with and he walked away. That woman never knew how close she came to getting what she needed. She walked out of the office unaware that she had just crippled herself by fighting a battle that wasn’t even there to be fought. Now she’s going to have to make a bunch of phonecalls and make another trip to the office.

It seems that in an overwhelming number of situations like this, the cause of the problem is that people do not see other people as people. That woman came into this office yesterday seeing an organization. She did not see a man who was treating her politely and respectfully and who was trying to help her. She saw an extension of the institution that had in her opinion messed up, so she took out her anger on the individual. Her taking that attitude was not only unnecessary and unpleasant, it was detrimental to her. It’s the same sort of thing when someone asks you to go a bit beyond your job description as a favor and you recite the rules to them. Even if you’re at work, every interaction does not need to be on a business level. Do a favor simply because you’re spending a chunk of every day around that person and it will help create a pleasant atmosphere for you to work in.

Some might say that some people need drama in their lives to survive. I don’t know if those people really exist, but if they do, I’m sure they are not the majority. Those of us who like straightforward , easy lives need to do our best to keep our lives that way. Right now I’m sidestepping the whole moral question of whether its fair to treat a person a certain way because of how someone else in his organization acted and I’m ignoring the idea of doing favors just to be nice just for the sake of being nice. There are immediate and practical reasons to be nice. Be pragmatic. There is a potential bridge between you and every human being you will ever come into contact with. Don’t line a bridge with dynamite and light it on fire before you even have the chance to see how sturdy it is. How you treat people is important – it often has very significant ramifications. Whether it be the customer service representative you want to yell at, some random guy standing next to you, or your co-worker. That random guy may find himself in a position to help you or do you a favor one day and it would really suck for you if he didn’t do it because you were rude to him without provocation at some point in the past. That co-worker could have the opportunity to cover for you if you slip up one day and it would be a tragedy if he didn’t because he didn’t like your attitude. That customer service representative…well, I told you what happened with the girl. Every one can’t be your friend, but by being courteous to the people around you and treating them as individuals, you will ensure that they are not all your enemies.

I just had a conversation about relationships. A girl asked me “Should a woman have to tell a man what she likes?” She believed that if a couple had spent enough time together, that should be unnecessary. I couldn’t subscribe to that belief. Too much experience. ‘Should’ isn’t a word that works very well in that type of situation. We shouldn’t have to tell our mates what we like. We shouldn’t ever disagree or argue. Love should conquer all. Apples should have legs. ‘Should’ is basically a meaningless word here. The important words in relationships are ‘want’ and ‘will’. When you know what you want and don’t want, you can decide what you will and will not do.

An attentive partner will most likely figure out what you like to some degree, but what about those likes that slip past the radar? If you really want them, you will either tell your partner or you will have to learn to do without. It’s that simple. Why play games hoping and waiting for them to figure it out? No matter how much you may love, care for, and pay attention to a person, unless your last name is Cleo, you are not a mind reader. Neither is anyone else. If you are searching for a mate who will magically understand your every need and desire without the need for vocalization, you’ll probably find him/her next to the fountain of youth sipping cocktails with the king of Atlantis. A much more realistic goal is someone who cares about your desires. Someone who once they do know what you want (because you said what you want) will make it a priority to give it to you.

It is important to differentiate between fairy tale romance, true romance, and bad romance. Someone that can read you mind – fairy tale. Someone that does their best to understand you and please you – true. Someone that doesn’t try to put in the energy to figure out what you want – bad.