I wrote my first haiku today. Up until recently I didn’t even like or understand the purpose of haikus. A few months ago, two Philly poets recited several haikus at an open mic that made me appreciate the form. Today, I found out one advantage haiku has over other forms. Somebody annoyed me today, and it made me remember that from the first time I had a conversation with her, I knew I didn’t want to know her better. Unfortunately now I find myself having to interact with her on a regular basis. That thought caused the idea-for-a-poem light bulb to light up – life was better before I met you, blah blah blah, with an emphasis on the contrast between life before you and life after you. Of course this would have been abstracted and exaggerated to an extreme (the incident that inspired this wasn’t a big deal), but then I realized that I would have to make my antagonist possess just about every bad trait that it is possible for a human to have. I don’t want to write about someone like that or even suggest that they exist. I would need to leave it up to the reader to imagine whatever bad traits the antagonist might have. Haiku seemed the best way to do that because it leaves so much up to the audience. I think of Haiku as a poetic suggestion for the audience to think about something in particular.

Before I knew you
Life was very different.
Who said change is good?

After writing that, I realized something about myself. I lead two lives. Or, maybe it’s better to say I lead one life from two perspectives. I am constantly observing myself, my thoughts, my interactions, and the people around me looking for the next song, poem or blog. It’s strange. it makes me feel kind of removed from myself, like I’m sitting on my shoulder watching my life happening and taking notes. At times, it makes me feel kind of cold because at times I’ll take a step back from feeling whatever I’m feeling at the moment to think about what I’m feeling at the moment.

Was it Shakespeare who said “art reflects life”? Maybe that’s because art finds itself intertwined with every other aspect of life for the artist. It’s amazing what this does for the artist. Several years ago, i picked up photography as a hobby, and ever since then, my search for picture worthy compositions has made me pay more attention to the world around me. Its the same for written material. I pay more attention because I am an artist. Things that otherwise would not have lingered in my mind for more than a few moments sit, grow, mutate and re-emerge. I notice similarities and common threads. And I don’t keep it all to myself.

Damn. i want to conclude this, but I’m not sure how to. I started on haikus and ended on what art adds to my life. I guess in summary: Haikus are good and so is art.

We had our ups and downs
But I never particularly liked you
I could never really forgive
All the times I wanted to fight you

You were older, stronger, bigger
And a detestable figure
I resented you then
And the feeling still lingers

Even in our best moments
There were darker emotions
Barely under the surface
Not expressed in the open

I tried to forgive and to choke them
But the feeling’s too potent
Too many years were spent
Simmering this caustic potion

Your characteristics
Brought out my worst pessimism
And so many times
My rage clouded my vision

You even went as far
As stealing possessions
And playing the innocent
When confronted with questions

Though I never expected
A real truthful confession
That would have been too honest
I never gave you that credit

But for how long
Can this last?
I’m prepared to let go
Let the past be the past

I was just thinking about how you can look at the same thing in completely different ways depending on your current mood or situation.

One day, two pairs of eyes.
The gray sky screams that the sun’s not out.
My doubts, fears, and anxieties amplified,
The clouds cry my own tears
And movement moves to a halt
As even my thoughts are stalled.
No flight for my mind
As the song of the birds is stilled
And the repetition of incessant rhythms on the pavement
Reminiscent of current stagnation
Take me deeper into stillness

One day, two pairs of eyes
The gray sky sings a calming song
My strong heart is complimented by a mild wind
The clouds drop fruit to celebrate that they live
And the day borrows energy that I lend
For I am a cup that does not empty
My mind sings songs to the birds
As they sit still, filled with appreciation
And the repetition of incessant rhythms on the pavement
Intertwines with the patterns of my constant movement
And I fall deeper into her stillness

This is untitled, and I’m too tired to think of something at the moment

We stand on cliffs, exposed
Watching the skies, frightened
For birds of prey, deadly
Looking for strength, alone

As we face outwards over open oceans
We slowly begin to know
Formulaic solutions to convoluted problems.
Conclusions should have been more forthcoming
But we were stunned by monotonous humming,
We were lulled to sleep by sweet nothings
Brushing us with something that seemed to be loving,
But despite being sweet, it was nothing.

We stand on cliffs, exposed
Watching the skies, frightened
For birds of prey, deadly
Looking for strength, alone

As we stand, freezing in stiff breezes
We begin to believe we know
Where the source of the heat is,
And as the fevers lead us ever forward
To real freedom, we dig deeper
To anchor a feeling we need to not leave us,
With speeches to feed the heat
And a wreath of peace to mark our dreams.

We stand on cliffs, exposed
Watching the skies, frightened
For birds of prey, deadly
Looking for strength, alone

As we wait for scavengers
To ravage the last of the passion we have
We begin to understand that its hand fighting hand.
As we run from our own footsteps
Left in the ever shifting sand of the past
We eat apples given by the living product of man
Cowering from our own lashes but blaming the land

We stand on cliffs, exposed
Watching the skies, frightened
For birds of prey, deadly
Looking for strength, alone

As we face oceans, frozen, fearing for life
We find the answers, the passion and the questions inside
As we face oceans, frozen, fearing for life
We find the answers, the passion and the questions
inside

Here are two new verses. Is the whole ‘matrix’ thing overused in music today? Oh well.

Verse 1
I’m just a simple man
That lonely spot in the universe
I pretend that I’m complex
When I hide behind my words

But when speech falls silent
And I’m forced to face the quiet
I am forced to face my past
Even if I don’t like it

And I’m forced to taste the facts
There is nothing left to hide them
Where’s the spice of life
That makes living taste right

I made my own bed
And I don’t sleep at night
I lie awake craving ignorance
Wishing to be a simpleton

But the road is never easy
There’s always been obstacles
I’ve passed so many
So I know that they’re surmountable

And perhaps I need to
Just put aside my fears
To use my eyes and my ears
To survive and steer clear

Because my life is so dear
I don’t dare waste this time
Trying to hide
Behind diversions and lies

I’m just a simple man
Ah, but that’s pure deception
Humans are complex beings
With simplistic obsessions

Verse 2
You see it’s easy to play dumb
But dumb to play stupid
Stupid to remain clueless
And the clueless remain useless

But it’s hard to admit ignorance
Ignorance leaves room for lessons
And through lessons we get wisdom
Wisdom’s essential to good living

I find myself vacillating
On the edge of the matrix
So scared to death
Of gaining information

I can’t find a cause for joy
When the bare truth is exposed
But its so hard not to see it
Dressed in the emperors new clothes

Can you blame me for escapism?
For wanting to give in to fatalism
Sometimes I hate vision
Cuz I see too much for my eyes

Too much for my mind to process
And I obsess over the problems
And suddenly life is misery
And living becomes horrid

Why should I be encouraged
To try to gain knowledge
When every step forward
Makes the ground less solid

But now I know I can’t hide
Because every time I’ve tried
I ended up face to face with reality
Held in place by my lies

I was just walking, thinking about the lyrics I posted earlier (or yesterday, depending on how you want to look at it) I decided I don’t like them. At first I was thinking of deleting that post, but then I decided that would be breaking the rules of blog. If it’s been said, then it’s been said. I’m just going to have to accept it.

Why don’t I like the lyrics? Meaning and purpose are very important things to me when it comes to writing. Those lyrics had no meaning or purpose. If you thought there was some theme or something in there, it was completely by accident. My main concern when I was writing that was maintaining the -urning, -urting, etc sound. I started off with no real concept, just writing words. Along the way, a few concepts came to mind, but guess what? I let them all pass me by so I could stick to my rhyme scheme. I was defeated by my own words. Words are supposed to be my tool, but I went where they took me. I was a follower when I should have been leading those syllables to some worthwhile destination.

OK, I’ll cut down on the drama.

That is the type of thing I normally write in my notebook and never do anything with. I happened to be at a computer when I wrote it, so I posted it here without really considering it. Looking back now, I realized it ended up being more of a writing exercise than anything.

I run around in circles, hurting
Searching for a purpose
Feeling worthless
Lonely deserted
Apprehensive, slightly nervous
Angry, even fervent
I see too much cuz I’m observant
And I am slowly learning
Not to be the servant
To the ones that are lurking
Making sure they fill their purses
By pulling strings on persons
I am thirsting for rewards that I’m deserving
Very close to point of bursting
That is why I’m fucking cursing
It’s time to start making assertions
I spent too much time working
To waste it in this pointless turning
So I’m walking out the circus
To embrace the taste of learning
I’ll leave all my bridges burning
Because I don’t plan on returning

This is a repost from my Yahoo! 360 blog

Tuesday March 14, 2006

So recently I’ve been trying to get out there and perform. The most recent song I’ve been trying to get performance-ready was inspired by a suicide. I guess that’s what put suicide in my mind. (Hmmm…I dunno if that came out sounding right)

I’m in the middle of writing a new song about suicide, this time with a very different premise. The question I asked myself – what if someone who was completely happy committed suicide? What would the suicide letter look like? Death is normally looked at as something sad and to be avoided, but it is interesting to consider other perspectives, even if they are unlikely.

The character in my song does not go all the way to the extreme of wanting to die, but he’s not far off. He jumps off of a building with the goal of flying, with the full knowledge that it will probably kill him. He leaves behind a suicide letter just in case the most likely outcome – death – actually happens. The verses of the song are the actual letter. In the letter he explains that he’s not unhappy at all, in fact he’s lived a somewhat privileged and very fulfilling life. Death is not something to be feared, but flying is definitely desirable, so it’s only logical that he attempts it. There are so many places I can take this song and I’m only halfway through the first verse right now. I’m not sure if it’s going to end up being purely fantasy, cynical, or ironic. The music I picked is kind of uplifting but there is also a dark undertone that can be emphasized. So many possibilities…

Here’s the chorus. You have to picture a group of people saying the “jump, jump” part:

Jump, jump
Yeah, Can you fly?
Jump, jump
Reach for the sky
Jump, jump
Hey, it’s worth a try
Pretend you have wings
If you want to get high

All you creative people out there, where would you go with this premise?