I wrote my first haiku today. Up until recently I didn’t even like or understand the purpose of haikus. A few months ago, two Philly poets recited several haikus at an open mic that made me appreciate the form. Today, I found out one advantage haiku has over other forms. Somebody annoyed me today, and it made me remember that from the first time I had a conversation with her, I knew I didn’t want to know her better. Unfortunately now I find myself having to interact with her on a regular basis. That thought caused the idea-for-a-poem light bulb to light up – life was better before I met you, blah blah blah, with an emphasis on the contrast between life before you and life after you. Of course this would have been abstracted and exaggerated to an extreme (the incident that inspired this wasn’t a big deal), but then I realized that I would have to make my antagonist possess just about every bad trait that it is possible for a human to have. I don’t want to write about someone like that or even suggest that they exist. I would need to leave it up to the reader to imagine whatever bad traits the antagonist might have. Haiku seemed the best way to do that because it leaves so much up to the audience. I think of Haiku as a poetic suggestion for the audience to think about something in particular.

Before I knew you
Life was very different.
Who said change is good?

After writing that, I realized something about myself. I lead two lives. Or, maybe it’s better to say I lead one life from two perspectives. I am constantly observing myself, my thoughts, my interactions, and the people around me looking for the next song, poem or blog. It’s strange. it makes me feel kind of removed from myself, like I’m sitting on my shoulder watching my life happening and taking notes. At times, it makes me feel kind of cold because at times I’ll take a step back from feeling whatever I’m feeling at the moment to think about what I’m feeling at the moment.

Was it Shakespeare who said “art reflects life”? Maybe that’s because art finds itself intertwined with every other aspect of life for the artist. It’s amazing what this does for the artist. Several years ago, i picked up photography as a hobby, and ever since then, my search for picture worthy compositions has made me pay more attention to the world around me. Its the same for written material. I pay more attention because I am an artist. Things that otherwise would not have lingered in my mind for more than a few moments sit, grow, mutate and re-emerge. I notice similarities and common threads. And I don’t keep it all to myself.

Damn. i want to conclude this, but I’m not sure how to. I started on haikus and ended on what art adds to my life. I guess in summary: Haikus are good and so is art.

About a week ago I saw a lady who is well-known enough around the Philly scene to be classified as a local celebrity. One of the things she is known for is her beauty. If you mention her name around a group of men who know of her, many of them will get a far-off, glazed look in their eyes. She is a very pretty lady and she has a very uncommon look which makes her stand out. When I saw her last week, the clothes she was wearing revealed a blemish that I had never noticed before. At the time I thought something similar to “Eww! That’s weird looking!”

That came back to mind today and I realized, that guy who was with her probably does not think that! I still think it was nasty looking, but it is a beautiful thing that she found someone who doesn’t. (Assuming things are right in their relationship) she found someone who sees her beauty despite the imperfections and the flaws that may at times hide, distort or alter it. Someone I know once said “Everyone has issues, you just have to find someone whose issues you can deal with.” Those are some of the truest words ever spoken.

I know what it’s like to be on both sides of that. I know how it feels to be a flawed person and be accepted despite that. It’s one thing to care about someone, but there’s nothing like that moment when you realize “Damn, she saw that and she still likes me?” It’s ironic, sometimes having someone accept your imperfections can make you want to fix them more than getting criticized for them. You find yourself wanting to be more patient, kinder, more organized, healthier, etc.

I know how it feels to have someone thank you for tolerating their faults and to find that gratitude to be absolutely silly. “Yes, I see your flaws, but why are you thanking me when you are perfect?” She never seems to understand. It’s not even that flaws make a person more human or more approachable. It’s that they are a part of the person. You accept the good, you accept the bad and it all becomes something wonderful.

I guess beauty must really be in the eye of the beholder.

We had our ups and downs
But I never particularly liked you
I could never really forgive
All the times I wanted to fight you

You were older, stronger, bigger
And a detestable figure
I resented you then
And the feeling still lingers

Even in our best moments
There were darker emotions
Barely under the surface
Not expressed in the open

I tried to forgive and to choke them
But the feeling’s too potent
Too many years were spent
Simmering this caustic potion

Your characteristics
Brought out my worst pessimism
And so many times
My rage clouded my vision

You even went as far
As stealing possessions
And playing the innocent
When confronted with questions

Though I never expected
A real truthful confession
That would have been too honest
I never gave you that credit

But for how long
Can this last?
I’m prepared to let go
Let the past be the past

I didn’t see anyone abusing their child or anything like that, but earlier today, I saw a mother chastising her son. It made me start thinking about disciplining children in general. Some folks believe anytime a child does wrong the child should get a beating. Some reserve physical discipline for the most severe situations. I have no children of my own, but after observing many parents with their children, making a bunch of scattered appearances at various after-school programs, and spending five summers working at four different camps, I do have some ideas and opinions on the matter.

It is a parent’s responsibility to teach their child morality, pragmatism and self-control. Parents cannot teach any of these lessons if the children do not respect and listen to them. I think one of the goals of most parents is to know that when they are gone, their children will continue to apply the lessons the parents tried to teach. You cannot have that kind of lasting impact on a child if fear is your main or only tool to control him. Child raising is all about a complex set of balancing acts. Your child must fear you enough to obey but not so much that the other reasons to obey are lost. Your child should respect you enough to give credence to your word but not so much that he will follow you blindly without thinking for himself. Your child should like you enough to trust and confide in you but not so much that he sees you as one of his peers. What? Not like you too much? Fear you? Let me explain.

Fear and obedience

Your child should fear you. Fear is what will make a child do as you say without questioning. This is not, however, what you should want in the long run. When you control a person by fear, they tend to act very differently when fear is not a factor. The child may do right when under your watchful eye, but as soon as you turn around or leave the child in someone else’s care, all that good behaviour may be out the window. Think of the “preachers daughter”/bad girl cliche. Additionally, I’ve seen cases where parents or other authority figures try to use fear to control their children so much that the children become apathetic towards the technique. When you yell all the time, it may eventually become ineffective. Get enough spankings and you’ll realize that they are not a big deal.

Using fear to control a child is a very short term solution, but it is important. When you tell your child to stop because he is about to run into a crowded street, you need immediate obedience. Afterwards, there will be plenty of time to teach him why he shouldn’t do it, but for the moment, obedience is the priority. When you are out in public, and unable to have a lengthy talk with your child, his obedience is important. As I said, fear is temporary. It is important to follow up by planting the seeds that will prevent your child from repeating the same mistake when he has the opportunity to do it without you knowing. Explain why what the child did was wrong in a way he can understand. Make sure he understands all of the possible and actual consequences of his actions. Of course this all requires great patience and is much easier said than done, but that’s true of many things in life that are worth doing.

Respect and authority

How can you teach your child if your words have no weight? It is important that you present yourself to your child as a respectable and truthful person. Get caught lying too often and your child will lose faith in you. A child needs to see you as an authority figure who can help him find answers to his questions and who will impart wisdom to him. This does not mean you need to or should be seen as perfect. If you make a habit of not admitting when you don’t know the answer, you also stand to lose your child’s respect and trust because at some point it will become apparent that you’re just trying to cover the fact that you don’t know. When you don’t know something, admit it and do your best to help your child find the answer. This may even lead to projects you can work on together. Do this, and your child will grow to learn that you are not a perfect person, but when you say you know, you know.

BUT. There’s always a but. Children should be taught, not trained. They should be encouraged to think, to reflect and search for their own understanding, not to follow the whoever is in authority at the moment. I know this may seem counter productive, but encourage your children to question you in a respectful way. If you are truly right and the situation allows it, take the time to convince your child. This serves two purposes. It will help nourish the child’s intrinsic drive to question and think for himself. It is far better to have him do right because he understands that it’s right rather than simply because you told him to. Secondly, when obedience is necessary, it will come quicker. Your child will learn that you wouldn’t speak that way (expecting immediate obedience) unless it was absolutely necessary.

Friendship and Trust

Don’t get so caught up in being a disciplinarian and figure of authority that you forget to be your child’s friend. All my life I’ve had countless people tell me I can come to them with any problem or question. Parents, teachers, bosses – it seems to be the thing for authority figures to say. There’s only been a small percentage of them who I actually felt comfortable going to. No matter how much you tell your child he can talk to you about anything, he won’t unless he knows that he can trust you to respect him and his feelings. You can encourage that trust by . . . drum roll please . . . respecting him and his feelings. Take the time to hear him out and try to understand his motivations and show him that you understand them. If your child hits someone, don’t simply punish him. Find out why he hit the person. Even if he was wrong to do it, acknowledge that you understand the motivation even as you chastise (e.g. “yeah, I would’ve been mad too, but you can’t hit someone every time you get mad”) If you try to hear the child out every time, you may even find that there are some cases where things are not how they seemed at first appearance and if you had punished him, it would have been wrongfully done.

Developing a friendship between yourself and your child will help create an atmosphere that makes it easier for him to come talk to you. Additionally, in my experience with children, I’ve noticed that the most well behaved and most intelligent children tend to be the ones who are comfortable having conversations with adults. A friendship with your child will most likely even carry over into his adulthood life. The few people my age who see their parents as friends tend to go to them more often for advice and to share more of their lives with them. This sharing seems to make all parties involved much happier.

It is important, however, to maintain the distinction between a parent/child friendship and the type of friendship a child would have with his peer. If your child sees you as a peer, it will undermine your authority and your position as a disciplinarian. You must be able to talk to and have fun with your child but to immediately switch into parent mode when its called for.

Back to the beginning

I started off talking about spanking children. Spanking can serve to make your child fear you. Spanking can increase or decrease your child’s respect for you depending on the circumstances. Spanking can make your child dislike you. The fear part should be obvious – if a child fears a spanking, he will be more likely to be obedient. Children tend to respect disciplinarians if they see them as fear, but beat a child too often and he will lose respect for you, even though it may not show due to his fear. Lessons you teach will not be retained if that respect is lost. If a child feels that you beat him unfairly or too often, you will lose the chance of securing his friendship, he will feel uncomfortable talking to you about problems and the lines of communication will be cut between the two of you.

It is my personal belief that sometimes spankings are necessary. A healthy amount of fear needs to be maintained. However, if a healthy amount of respect and a friendship accompany that fear, spankings should rarely be necessary. If you find yourself regularly spanking your child, that is a sign that you need to evaluate things. The first thing you should look at is your relationship with that child. Are you teaching that child to do right? Are you earning his respect and maintaining your authority? Are the lines of communication open? A large amount of the time, problematic behaviour in children can be traced down to a problem with fear, respect or friendship.

I was just thinking about how you can look at the same thing in completely different ways depending on your current mood or situation.

One day, two pairs of eyes.
The gray sky screams that the sun’s not out.
My doubts, fears, and anxieties amplified,
The clouds cry my own tears
And movement moves to a halt
As even my thoughts are stalled.
No flight for my mind
As the song of the birds is stilled
And the repetition of incessant rhythms on the pavement
Reminiscent of current stagnation
Take me deeper into stillness

One day, two pairs of eyes
The gray sky sings a calming song
My strong heart is complimented by a mild wind
The clouds drop fruit to celebrate that they live
And the day borrows energy that I lend
For I am a cup that does not empty
My mind sings songs to the birds
As they sit still, filled with appreciation
And the repetition of incessant rhythms on the pavement
Intertwines with the patterns of my constant movement
And I fall deeper into her stillness

Today I was standing on line in a grocery store waiting patiently for the woman ahead of me to finish her transaction. As she was paying, I noticed that she was scribbling in a checkbook. Checks?! People still use those things? People still accept those things? I don’t know which surprised me more. I guess if I dig way back in my memories, I can vaguely recall images of my mother handing a check to the person at the register, but dang, that was a long time ago.

I stopped myself. What was I thinking? I was born and raised in an age where people carried cash and regularly engaged in paper transactions. I remember when “happy meal” and “value meal” were new to our lexicon of common phrases, I remember when they didn’t exist. I remember when a Walkman played tapes and when a basic Discman would cost at least $130. My mom used to go to our local AAA to get directions when we were going on a road trip. I remember when VCRs were nearly a basic necessity and personal computers were not. I remember when it would’ve been shocking to find a movie ticket with a price in the double digits and gas at more than $1.93/gallon was unheard of. I remember when rich people had cellphones the size of my head and a teenager was happy to be allowed to use their parents’ land line.

Give me some more time to recall life and I’m sure I could go on for pages like this. Science fiction from the mid and early 1900s predicted that we’d have personal robots, regular space travel, and tons of other crazy advances. Most of those stories ended up having little success as prophecies and predictions, but our society has still gone through a level of change that is pretty much on par with what they predicted back then. Think of all the things that were common during your childhood that are obsolete now. Your children will grow up having never had first hand experience with those things unless they decide at some point in their lifetimes to mess with vintage. Vintage. Our childhoods are vintage. It’s funny, as you live through these changes, they don’t seem very monumental, but when you take a step back and compare this moment to one 20 years ago, there has been a world of change. A world of change.

Many would say that one way to inspire yourself to be creative is to step out of your comfort zone. I agree with that, but sometimes it can be hard to identify what your comfort zone is and even harder to figure out what lies beyond its borders. I’ve been happy for the last few days because I found something beyond my comfort zone. I was reading a music magazine and I came across an article on odd time signatures. Most western music uses even time signatures with 4/4 being the most common. A 4/4 beat contains 4 beats per measure – 1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4. Odd time signatures like 7/8 get broken down into unequal parts, for example – 1 2 1 2 1 2 3.

Conceptually, it’s not such a great leap for someone raised on 4/4 to make, but in practice, wow! After reading the article, I went home and tried out a song in 5/4 and it was like I was learning to make music all over again. For every part I added, I had to rewrite it several times before I could get it to sound natural and not like a robot was playing it. While the idea is technically simple, it seems like a whole different set of rules applies when it comes to making 5/4 sound aesthetically pleasing. I was explaining it to someone and I said that it was like trying to write poetry in a foreign language. You understand what makes a phrase sound poetic and pretty in your language, and you may understand the technicalities of the other language – the grammar, the lexicon how to put sentences together – but you won’t automatically understand how to construct a poetic phrase in the foreign language. A sentence that may be beautiful in English may be awkward and ugly in that other language. The strange thing is, as unusual and unnatural as 5/4 seemed to me, I read that odd timings are very prevalent in some eastern cultures and in those cultures, it comes naturally to the people because they’ve been hearing it for all of their lives. It’s all about what you grow up hearing.

I’m going to work on that song and finish it, and hopefully it will push others to step out of their comfort zones. Because of the timing, it will not come out sounding quite like anything that people around here are used to hearing. I guess I found the easy way to get out of my comfort zone – step into someone else’s.