Competition

As we get older, we get to know ourselves better and our self-acceptance improves. This is a constant process. When I am in the twilight of my life looking back on the good days and the bad days, I expect to still experience the disappointments and pleasures of self discovery on a regular basis. Some discoveries are small, some are large. Some are new and some are just shifts of perspective. Recently I made a discovery that was a simple shift of perspective but was still a relatively large discovery. I am my greatest competition. I set the bar for myself.

It hit me after I was free-styling at a cypher. Some days I feel on – the words just flow and take control. Other days I feel like I have to force them – I struggle to find topics and connect thoughts. This was one of those days. It was a constant battle, but I ended up saying some stuff that got me the usual signs of respect – nods, pounds, and compliments. As I was headed home, I realized that the pressure I felt to hold my own was a relatively new one. A year and a half ago when I first started to freestyle on a regular basis, I did not feel that pressure. Back then I was happy if I got through to a point that felt like a good ending without losing my flow in the process. Now I always walk in with a burden on my shoulders and it is not until I reach a certain level of quality that the burden is lifted.

The difference between now and then? I’ve already been given those signs of respect. Who likes to backtrack? Back when I first started, I was just trying to do my best. There was no standard of measure in place, so as long as I knew I tried, I was happy. I guess I could be satisfied with the level I’ve reached and fall back, but for some reason, that doesn’t feel honest to me. I feel I constantly need to re-earn the respect I initially got. Maybe it’s because I want to be respected in the moment. After I die, there will be plenty of time for the “he was”, past tense, static type of appreciation, but for now, I want everyone who appreciates my abilities to appreciate them for what they are in that moment.

This does not only hold true for free-styling or even just forms of artistic expression. Once I realized this about myself in regards to free-styling, I also realized that it is a pattern apparent throughout my life. I remember back in elementary and high school, I used to get frustrated because it seemed that after a short time, teachers would begin to expect more from me even if I hadn’t shown any signs (as far as I knew) that I was an above average performer. Who wants to be expected to do well in school? That means they grade you harder and give you tougher assignments when they can get away with it. That means when you slack off and miss homework or mess up on a quiz, people are disappointed. Still, I never dumbed things down. As much as I hated their expectations, I did nothing to lessen them. If anything, I did my best to keep those expectations alive. Why? Once again, who wants to backtrack?

I set the bar for myself, and when it comes to certain things, I set it pretty damn high. Sometimes it’s real hard to reach it again once its set, but I will reach it. I refuse to lose to that guy in the mirror – what does he have that I don’t? I can do anything he can do better! This feels like a valuable piece of knowledge. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it yet, but it seems like knowing it can only work to my benefit. Maybe this is a new method I can use to motivate myself. Who knows? I’ll have to think more about this, but that’s enough self-discovery for the moment.