Know Your Role (you dichotomous pig!)

In one class I took, there was a girl who would always talk about avoiding the dichotomy that is constantly imposed on alternate theories and ideas in academia. While I usually disagreed with whatever specific point she was making at the moment, I thought she was spot on with the whole dichotomy thing. It’s not just true for Academia. Way too often, people feel that something is or has to be one way or the other. (Let’s get the cliché out of the way as soon as possible.) We tend to see things in black or white and all the grays get lost in humongous blind spots. This affects many aspects of our lives, often negatively.

Not very long ago, it was generally accepted that men had a certain role and women had a certain role. Sometime in the 1900s (I want to say 1960s but I don’t know why that number comes to my head and don’t feel like looking it up) the feminism movement was born. Women fought to get treatment and consideration similar to what men received. It was time to change what was accepted – women are smart, women are strong, women are independent. Feminism went from non-existent to revolutionary to the norm. Now in many cultures in the US, it is not only accepted but expected that women get jobs and contribute to the family’s finances. The old image of wives being barefoot pregnant women washing dishes became old fashioned. All well and good, except for one problem. Some women like to be barefoot (or maybe slippered) and pregnant washing dishes. Very often, these women get looked at as weak, subservient and even traitorous to the cause. Other times these women force themselves into the “strong independent” lifestyle and end up single, childless and unhappy.

How did we go from a society where it was seen as necessary that women be a certain way to a society where women are villainized for being that way? We seem to have skipped over the middle ground that was the goal (I hope) of the women’s rights movement. The fight was not to get women out of the kitchen and the delivery room, it was to let them out. Meaning, if a women wants to keep the same old role, that’s ok too.

Despite the widespread expectation for women to be working women, the gender-status issue is far from dormant and peaceful. There are many men that complain about women thinking they can do anything. I constantly hear comments like “they want us to treat them equal, but then they get mad if I don’t hold a door” from some men. Others claim that we should respect and elevate woman because woman is the creator and without her we’d have no life. Then there are the women who claim that they are in some way better than men or their burden is greater because they carry children for 9 months and bleed periodically during the other months. There are the biblical arguments – Eve made Adam sin and woman came from man. Yeah, I’m leaving tons of arguments and nuances out of this, but hopefully you get my point.

All these arguments and claims always leave me feeling like something’s missing. Why does there have to be this competition? Why must men and women have set gender related roles? Does it matter who cooks and cleans as long as it gets done? Don’t we need a man AND a woman to make life? We are like two wheels on a bike arguing about who is more necessary for movement. Without either one of us, we aren’t going anywhere. Not only do both wheels need to be present, they need to work together to achieve motion. Down with the dichotomy!

I was in a conversation on this topic with a bunch a friends some time ago. One friend of mine proposed a very different interpretation of the Adam and Eve story. Instead of assigning significance to who came first, he found the most important thing to be that man and woman came from one being. If Eve came from Adam’s body then without her a piece of him is missing. Man without woman is incomplete and woman without man is incomplete. That’s how I’ve always felt, but I loved the fact that he linked that to the Adam and Eve story. We are meant to cooperate with and support each other. Without that union, we are unable to create. Men and women should approach each other as individuals and creators. Any person you interact with is a crucial part of the miracle of life. Respect them for that. Forget the notion of gender roles. A lot of men are physically stronger than lot women. That doesn’t make us better. Perhaps men and women think differently (that’s a different debate). If we do, that’s not a reason to elevate one way over another it’s an opportunity to combine our strengths so we can have all bases covered. Anyone can nurture if they set their heart on it. We need to stop this senseless argument and nurture each other.

Down with the dichotomy! Let’s meet on the gray and be complete.